5 things I've learnt from being single and celibate for a year.
So here goes, Valentine's day is upon us and society still loves to remind single people that something must be wrong with us and that we could NOT possibly be happy this way.
I do enjoy seeing the world feeling a little more loved up for a day, plus there is a thing called Galentine's the day before, created to put value in female friendships.
But I begin to wonder as self-love and self-care are becoming as trendy as puppy videos, why are we not celebrating happy single people. Hell I will raise a glass to you if you are single because you left a toxic or abusive relationship or because you're visiting a different country every month and just can’t commit. I am not one to pretend I'm the conventional type when it comes to dating and relationships as I've often really enjoyed being by myself. It's the first time that the journey has extended itself naturally to embracing celibacy and to be honest I haven't seen the time go by.
So as I celebrate around a year (ish) of being single and celibate I thought I would give my two cent on how I feel reflecting on 12 months of no dating and no action in bed.
You learn a lot about yourself. Stating the obvious here, spending time with yourself allows you (and sometimes forces you) to see the good, the bad and the ugly that you can be as a human being. It's never nice facing the parts of you you don't want to see, but you will get to dig a bit deeper in some of your behavioural patterns and the only person you'll be confronted to on the subject is going to be yourself. It's as painful as it can be enlightening.
You gain clarity on what kind of relationship you want. Or mostly the kinds you don't. As a natural following to the statement above you're going to reflect on all relationships you've had and come to terms with a lot of shizzle. Ultimately it will give you more confidence in knowing what you want and what you don't.
Your personal boundaries will strengthen. Oh boy that one is a massive piece of work for me. Coming from a background of abuse there is a mountain of boundaries I didn't place and instead I was ridden with fear of disapproval and abandonment. It was bad because no boundaries means you totally disregard your own needs and feelings, which is just as bad as putting walls up inside and not communicating with your partner. It is just toxic, breeds ground for disrespecting yourself (a form of self-harm amongst others) and it is important to realise that boundaries are healthy. As you go through 1 and 2, this one will reveal itself to you, and it's a good thing.
You appreciate the space to grow. Holy shit I cannot begin to describe how much more productive you are when you are not distracted by the pressure of keeping up with texts and dates. Now I find this one so enjoyable that I am starting to get addicted to it. I'm getting VERY comfortable at having the space to grow so much and being an introvert I have become more aware of people using it up too much without permission. Being an entrepreneur is a high-paced life, especially if you're hungry like me and frankly I've become very picky of the kind of time I spend outside work. I absolutely love my job and what it provides me with in life. It's becoming harder and harder to compete with it if you want to date me. And you know what? I'm not even sorry. My future and my vision are my priorities. Whether I want someone in it has nothing to do with me chasing my dreams.
You cherish platonic intimacy and put higher value on consent. Celibacy has been a game changer for me. Healing from trauma can be an extreme journey. And I've been there. Growing older in a world where online dating and hook-up apps rule much of how we interact as humans I noticed something very evident in the past years I've had encounters. We have been conditioned to settle for bad sex. Very average at best. And you know why? People are very scared of intimacy and connection. They've detached sex so much from both of those beautiful elements that it's been rendered totally obsolete to me. Being tired of it all has got me to appreciate all forms of intimacy that didn't involve putting myself through a questionable one night stand. It's a gamble I'm no longer wanting to take.
So that's it folks, on this Valentine's day I wanted to share with you how being single and celibate has been an empowering healing journey to me and that it is OK to love being single too. Loving yourself first is hot AF.
